Rob Delaney - I Fuck Food

My god, this is some of the best writing I’ve ever read. How’s this for an opening paragraph:

Sometimes I pretend my mouth is a tight wet pussy and a Big Mac or a scoop of Ben & Jerry’s Coffee Heath Bar Crunch is a big hard throbbing cock that I’m just jamming in there like I’m my own face rapist. Except I like it. What I mean is, it’s disgusting and patently not OK what I’m doing, but it totally makes me come. God, Nature, etc. are like, “Noooo!” and I’m like, “Yeeesssss! Get in here! Get in my greedy mouth-pussy and just jizz gallons of tasty horror down into my guts till I explode under a highway on-ramp like a dead and bloated kidnapped college volleyball player who used to be sexy but then got hooked on junk and would do anything—ANYTHING—to get it, including the types of things that can get you murdered and dumped under a highway on-ramp.”

Reminds me of some of the kak we used write at ChumpStyle. Read the rest of this masterpiece.